Modems

These last weeks, modems were on my mind. I have been using the good, old dial-up modem for some years now. I remember I was happy when I bought a modem that had double the speed of an older version, the 14K.

Then came the last in series of modems, built in as a card with the computer itself, and all still have them. At 56K they offer good service, unless it is rainy, when the telephone lines may not be so reliable, and the first to go seems to be the Internet connection. To put it bluntly, until a few weeks ago I was more than satisfied with my modem which did not clutter my desk, and 56K speed was enough.

The temptation to change came when I was elected to Parliament. We were all informed that we would be joined to the government network, and for this purpose we would have an installation from a company that provides the service. The modem would be a luxury 512K. Downloading would be as easy as pulling your underpants down. With 56K, you could be considered as unzipping, unbuckling, and pulling down your trousers. Slower and more complicated.

The snag was that Father Government provided a restricted service. At any time, a window would pop up telling you that your access is denied, as this relates to sex. I had some funny refusals. I wanted to know certain details about the position of the Catholic Church regarding birth control, and I was led to the Billings Method. Access was denied as this related to sex!

I wrote to the diligent official at the House of Representatives telling him that the censorship was more stringent than I had known when years and years back I was in the seminary. There were other similar complaints, and finally we had a reply that such censorship would be lifted, but at the same time the government agency in charge would be monitoring. I had Big Brother in the house. So I decided to move the system elsewhere.

Downloading from the Justice Website, I was not at all impressed with the speed. But at the same time, I fell to the temptation of not being fully loyal to my 56K modem, and I applied to have one installed at home, with a slower speed than the one supplied by Father Government, just 128K, which should be more than double the speed of the old dia-up modem.

Cable...

I am not going to beat round the bush. My installation was from Melita Cable, both the official connection and the one I was tempted into. The technicians visited my home by appointment, impeccably organised by a very gentle and genteel lady who works in the sales department. The technical side were very efficient, and while they were setting up my personal modem, I heard one of them speaking to base, after checking the installation, and saying that "36 is the high". I did not understand what he was referring to, but he asked me to check some connection on the terrace.

I noticed that he was not happy with what he was doing. He seemed to be British-born, or having lived for a long time in the UK. He did not inform me further, but my impression was that from base they did not see any problem.

It was only days later that I noticed that what was considered as a faster link was not that fast. I was downloading humour, and I was not in the best of moods when I noticed that it would have taken ages to download.

At first patience prevailed. I tried again for a number of days and at different times, but still the downloading was slack. It was under 1K per second!

Finally it occurred to me to cross-check. My installed 56K modem was still in the machine, and I started switching between the two modems, the fast one and the old dial-up. To my surprise the 56K modem was five to ten times faster As I could not believe it, I used the empirical method and cross-checking. Two friends were present when I showed them the difference.

Being convinced that I did not invent a story, I started sending angry e-mails to the support department. True, it was during the long weekend. I waited another day, and finally I decided to call the lady of the sales department. She informed me that it was beyond her competence, and the service department would be contacting me. Another useless day passed.

Then I phoned up the service department myself, and I was asked to wait, and the gentleman informed me that he had refreshed the modem from their side, that I should switch off everything and restart after five minutes.

I opened the windows, put on an electric fan and sprayed the air, to refresh the whole environment. Everything was working perfectly, except the download speed. That English-speaking technician must have been rightly worried, as the service that I was getting was nothing better than a 33K modem, and not a 128K for which I had contracted. I challenged the company to send a representative so that I prove my complaint. I had no calls.

Is this fair? I am keeping my old modem, by the way! I assume full legal responsibility for what I wrote to inform readers.