Equality bites

This is serious stuff this week. Gentlemen, Sylvanus has been made aware of the most profound threat yet to our lives, liberty and manhood. The female juggernaut is gaining momentum and is ready and willing to trample... nay steamroll... all that we hold dear.

We have managed to get hold (don't ask how) of a copy of the minutes of the very latest committee meeting of the Maltese Association of Feminists Inciting Agitprop (MAFIA) and it does not make very comforting reading. Believe me, this lot make Al-Qaeda look like the Brownies.

I print the minutes here uncensored, unabridged and unbelievably scary:

Minutes of MAFIA meeting of August 4:

Present: Everyone... each of whom responded, when their nom de guerre was read out, with their battlecry: "EMASCULATION"! accompanied by a clenched-fist salute.

The chair-harridan then called the meeting to order and authorised the 'token' male member of the committee to be led in and his chains loosened.

The minutes of the last meeting were then screamed, approved unanimously and signed in blood.

Matters arising: Absolutely none, since at MAFIA meetings any reference to vertical inclination is totally banned.

Item No. 1: There then ensued a discussion during which various members of the committee brought to their colleagues' notice recent transgressions of the MAFIA code of gender inequality.

Committee member Nirvana Frump then denounced before the Inquis - er...committee, a certain TV game-show host who surrounds himself with glamorous bimbos. These poor unfortunates have no apparent purpose other than to stand around, smile rather too often and... very occasionally, to hand a card to the presenter containing a quiz question.

The committee unanimously condemned said TV presenter with the words: "Bring me the head of Guzi Pace Peresso"!

Committee member Adeline Brincat Borg was duly charged with the task of delivering it at the next meeting.

A slight flurry of dissent was heard from the token male member. However this was short-lived, since the chair-harridan ordered said token male member to be taken out and shot.

Item No. 2: The regular report from the thought-police was then read out by the Kommandant. She detailed a number of cases of 'gender insensitivity', which violated the strict gender inequality parameters laid down in MAFIA ground rules. One particularly distressing and unfortunate case was brought to the committee's attention.

This also concerned a male (pause to allow general consternation and hissing to subside) TV presenter. This... person was heard to utter the words: "Right, now I'm off to say my mantra." (Gasps of shock gust around the table) What he should have said, if he'd had a grain of sensitivity in his miserable body, was: "....I'm off to say my person-tra"?

The committee, after a short discussion, decided that this was a momentary lapse of gender awareness. A letter should be sent to the offender, along with a warning as to his future conduct.

Item No. 3: Committee member Edna Slag then brought up the distressing situation that exists within the construction industry. After months of correspondence, threats and even a few random assassination attempts by MAFIA members, the industry was still stubbornly sexist in its employment practices. Ms Slag had checked for herself and... to date, had failed to find one single female stone-cutter or builder's labourer anywhere within the building industry. Representations to Government had produced nothing other than the usual "We acknowledge receipt of your letter dated..." Something has to be done!

This was agreed unanimously. Whereupon a vote was taken on the proposal... (seconded by Ms Sharon Skrubba) that unless every contractor in the Maltese Islands was prepared to grant equal employment opportunities to female stone workers, MAFIA would instruct said contractors' spouses to withdraw all sexual favours forthwith.

Carried unanimously.

There being no other business, the committee withdrew to the nearest watering hole to beat-up the barman.

Scary... right?