The more positive a child's self-esteem, the more successful he or she is likely to be at dealing with life: he will try harder, be happier, have greater self-respect, make friends easier and be more giving. He will basically have an easier time.

Easy to see, then, that helping children develop positive self-esteem is one of the most important jobs of being a parent. Negative self-esteem is related to low self-confidence, insecurity, underachievement, anxiety, depression, difficult behaviour, sleep problems and being a loner.

As a parent, you have a great influence over the self-esteem of your child. For the first four or five years, you are in fact the most important contributor.

When children start school, teachers and friends become important too, and once they reach adolescence, peer groups begin playing a greater role in steering your child's self-esteem.

But the parents' role never stops. It is important for parents to realise that children need to feel that they are special and are appreciated. You need to make your children realise that regardless of what happens outside the home, within the home they have the full support of their parents.

You can increase or decrease a child's confidence levels, depending on how you interact with him or her. There are many things you can do to build your child's self-esteem.

Be positive. In general, the more positive the parents' own self-esteem, the more positive the child's will be. Be a good role model. Start by building your own self-confidence. There are plenty of books, magazine articles and other resources out there to guide you if you're unsure how to go about it.

Accept. When you accept all of your child, the good and the bad, your child can accept himself. This is the foundation of self-esteem.

Train yourself to recognise his unique abilities and talents. Reinforce, nurture, and help the child see these talents. See negative behavior in the context of who your child is.

Focus only on changing behavior that is important to change, i.e. behaviour that isolates or harms him or disrupts the family. You don't need and should not want to change everything about your child to fit your own specifications or expectations. Again, your job is to make your child feel valuable and build self-esteem.

Praise honestly. This is a quick way to build a person's self-esteem. Find some way to praise your child every day. When possible, praise your child for trying to do something even if he or she was not successful. If need be, give your child a task you know can be completed just so that you can give the praise. As your child's self-esteem grows more positive, this process will become easier and more natural.

Make sure the praise is realistic and honest. Don't overdo the flattery as then it becomes meaningless. Overpraise could also create pressure to be the "best, most intelligent, most wonderful child ever" - a recipe for eventual failure.

Keep criticism to a minimum. Whatever you think of your child and the way you interact with him will be mirrored in his behaviour and self-esteem. So, if you are constantly negative with him, his self-esteem will mirror this and he will have a low opinion of himself. Be positive and loving. Criticism does not produce positive behavior. Praise does.

Encourage. Your child may not be confident about doing something. Encourage him to go ahead and make him feel supported.

Encouraging children to interact with other children and adults is an excellent confidence booster. Besides school, where children's personalities develop rapidly, organise activities at home for your child and other children. You could even organise outdoor trips - anything that involves other children and will bring the less confident ones 'out of their shell'.

Involving children in 'grown-up' activities in which they've expressed interest is another way of boosting their confidence. It also shows them that you do appreciate and listen to what they say. Young children are more likely to benefit from tasks and activities that offer a real challenge than from those that are merely frivolous or fun. For example, you can involve your child in chores around the house, such as preparing meals or caring for pets, that stretch his abilities and give him a sense of accomplishment.

Listen. When you cannot take the time to listen to your child, he feels unimportant, boring, not good enough. Low self-esteem follows.

Choose a time when you can give your child your full attention with a minimum of distractions. Invite him to talk by asking some open-ended questions that can't be answered by "yes" or "no." Then follow his lead. Look at him, and paraphrase his statements. Pay attention to feelings, posture, and your tone of voice. If necessary, help a young child find words to describe his feelings. Don't distract yourself with details. Just listen for the point of the story.

Understand. This means listening to how your child feels without making judgments about those feelings. Try to find out why they feel the way they do. Once you know why, you may be able to offer a different interpretation so the child's feelings can change.

Regardless, do not judge the feelings. They are just there. How your child reacts to them are important because behaviour has consequences. If you listen and understand, you are better able to suggest behaviors that will have positive consequences rather than negative ones.

Include. Your child needs to feel included at home, in the family, in school and in the larger community. As a parent, you can ensure that at least at home he feels a sense of belonging and is an integral part of the home life.

Put a picture of your child with family members next to your child's bed. This is a subtle reminder to your child that he has family support and is not alone in the world. Yes, many children really do feel that way.

Use positive discipline. Children who are not disciplined, who do not have limits, cannot grow up with high self-esteem. They tend to be more dependent and feel that they have less control over their world. Children, just like adults, are more confident when they feel they have control.

Note, however, that children who are disciplined with only negative consequences or through negative talk, while learning to behave, may do so with a grudge against parents and with little internal self-esteem.

Gear discipline toward the age of your child. Your child at two needs a different kind of discipline than he will at five, 10, and 15. In fact, each additional year will have you giving up control of your child's life to your child. Letting your child control his life in a manner suitable to age, is one more way to build self-esteem.

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