I read with interest... nay elation, the news that all aspiring drivers would soon be subjected to a written theory examination, as part of their driving test.
Altogether now... And about time too! Every time I clamber into my car, the thought goes through my head. Will I drive straight to work today, or will I get there via the panel-beater?
So, as part of Sylvanus's ongoing public service function, I'd like to suggest a few questions for the examiners, with three choices of answers, one of which may (or may not) be correct...
Here they are.
1. You are about to turn off a main road into a side turning... But you are faced with a sign bearing a red circle crossed by a white diagonal. What does this mean?
a. No entry.
b. Go on... I dare you.
c. Ignore me, everybody else does.
2. What is the correct method of overtaking?
a. On the outside (Oh pleeeease).
b. On the inside (that always rattles them, doesn't it?).
c. On the inside... on the pavement (the ultimate buzz).
3. The driver in the car in front of you, sticks his hand out of the window and jerks his third finger upwards once. What does this signify?
a. Police helicopter overhead.
b. My nail varnish is drying.
c. I'm about to take off... vertically.
4. A car pulls up at a halt sign. You drive straight into the back of him. Should you -
a. Accept the blame, apologise and agree to pay for the damage?
b. Reverse out of his boot, then get the hell out of there, hoping he didn't take your number?
c. Blame the bastard you've just hit, for stopping too quickly?
5. You drive up behind a stationary Scammel parked in the middle of - and completely blocking - the road, while its driver takes a coffee and pastizz in a nearby cafe. Should you -
a. Wait patiently and uncomplaining for the Scammel driver to finish his meal, take a leak, chat with his mates, then get back in the truck and drive off?
b. Go into the cafe and ask the Scammel driver if he'd move it... a teensy bit?
c. Let down all his tyres, then back away and use another route?
6. You are bowling along at 15 mph on a busy dual carriageway....in the outside lane, holding up all the cars wishing to overtake. Should you -
a. Pull over into the slow lane, when you see a gap, to let the faster traffic through.
b. Accelerate just a little, to ensure you stay dead-level with the car on the inside lane.
c. Brake suddenly to cause a 25 vehicle pile-up.
7. You wish to turn right, do you
a. Flick on your indicator (it doesn't matter in which direction it's indicating...as long as the little light on the dashboard's blinking) - then go for it?
b. Use the bus drivers' technique. Dangle a hand limply out of the window, then veer across the road diagonally towards your right turn?
c. Not indicate at all, but turn sharp right, just as the bloke in the car behind is about to overtake you?
8. Who has right-of-way on a roundabout?
a. Vehicles approaching from the right.
b. Vehicles approaching from the left.
c. The biggest, pushiest ones.
9. You are driving in traffic and your mobile phone rings, do you -
a. Ignore it for safety reasons?
b. Answer it (hey! it might be important), then carry on an animated conversation as you thread your way through rush-hour traffic?
c. Chuck the bloody phone out of the window.
10. You are approaching a zebra crossing, just as a very old lady with a walking frame is about to cross. Do you...
a. Pretend you haven't seen her and drive on through?
b. Slow down so that the car behind you starts to overtake... Then as he does so, wave the old lady across?
c. Stop...wave her across... then scare the s**t out of the old bag by squealing your brakes as you drive off five centimetres behind her bum?
Over to you, examiners...