Referendumb

It's big potatoes, or so they tell me. The biggest decision this island home of ours has ever had to make. Never mind the Great Siege, the French occupation, Fortress Malta in World War Two. This transcends the lot. Do we or do we not want to join the Euro-party?

At least I think that's what we've got to decide... I mean, I could be wrong. Perhaps we're not voting for or against that at all. Maybe we're going to the polls to decide whether to become an extra Swiss canton?... Or rather a limp Mintoffian erection? ...Or perhaps we're marking our X in agreement with Dr Sant's partnership idea?

Do you know what we're voting for? Yes, of course you do!... Er.

Well anyway, just to test the water, Sylvanus did what just about everybody else in the media is doing these days... we joined the throng and jostled with all those other vox-poppers at City Gate, to get some sample views of what this referendum lark is all about.

To begin with, we asked this question:

Question 1: Do you know what the upcoming referendum is all about?

And here are some of the answers we got:

"Something to do with the Common Market xihaga jew?"

"Am I going to be on Xarabank?"

"What's a refair... endoom?"

"I'll only vote for it if Il-Perit tells me to."

"Prosit tal-programm" (246 times)

"B****r off!" (517 times)

"Is that James Bondin's real hair?"

"Careful, you're shoving that microphone up my left nostril."

"The Lord moves in mysterious ways."

"Yes I always watch Super 1 TV biss."

"Is that the televoting question?"

"Let me through please, I'm a doctor."

"If I answer correctly, what do I win?"

Question 2: If... when we enter the EU, do you think this will open the door to more opportunities?

"Opportunities for what, but?"

"I never leave the door open, it screws up the air-conditioning."

"Ha! Opportunities to get AIDS, nahseb."

"Looking at the situation in a geopolitical context, and evaluating all the relevant criteria involved in expanding and reassessing the Union, I would say... What was the question again?"

"P**s off!" (378 times)

"We're on holiday and we love your island... except for the shooters and the roads and... "

"Guten Tag. Could you acquaint meine Frau mit the nearest water closet?"

"Open the door?... To more illegal immigrants but, eh?"

"I think it's extremely ill-mannered to stop law-abiding citizens in the street, in order to ask them fatuous questions, now f*** off out of my way."

Question 3: Should entry into the EU be a political football?

"Yes, but only if they let us win the European Nations Cup."

"If God had wanted us to be Europeans, He'd have joined us to Sicily."

"Sliema will win it ta... the Premier League."

"Jien naf! Ask Karmenu."

"Do you speak... English? Good, then could you tell me what's on tonight at the Royal Opera House?"

"I never talk to strange men."

"Could you tell me what number bus we should catch for Meleeha?"

"Why not... .everything else around here is fixed."

Question 4: If... when Malta joins the EU, will we be a net payer or a net recipient of EU funds?

"I never watch Net... Soopair 1 biss."

"Ireland did very well out of it dear, and I'm sure you Maltese will too."

"What does recipient mean?"

"I don't think we should sit on the fence... I think we should either be positively for it or definitely against it. On the other hand..."

"Whatever happens, Johnny Dalli will keep most of it."

"We are Maltese... so definitely recipients."

Question 5: Do you think that entry into the EU will make it easier or more difficult to bring in porn videos?

"If I answer your question, am I immune from prosecution?"

"I never laid a hand on the woman... Speak to my lawyer."

"Why... do you want to buy one?... Lm5 ta,.... excellent copy."

"Yes, that's why I'm voting in favour."

"Ask the wife."

Scary, isn't it?