Time to give back

On April 20, 2001, my life started a new chapter. I was diagnosed as suffering from a rare type of cancer. It all began after I went through gall bladder surgery. Two days after the surgery, they found I had a blockage. The initial diagnosis was cancer - Cholangio carcinoma, also known as bile-duct cancer.

From that day on, everything changed. We were told that those who had this type of cancer usually survive for three to six months. Well, I was ready to accept the prospect of death, even if I didn't want to die. I felt very much at peace with myself; I was two months away from my 50th birthday and was very pleased with what I accomplished in life. The only question was Vickie and the boys. I dreamt of growing old with them. Then retire and do things that I always enjoyed and wanted to do. All of a sudden, I couldn't think more than one day at a time.

For a while I thought that the diagnosis might be incorrect, especially when some of the tests proved negative. A biopsy showed that indeed there was cancer and surgery was not an option because of the tumour's location. The only option was to have chemotherapy and radiation therapy to slow down the growth of this rare tumour.

I always believed that the body has the ability to heal itself. So, while pursuing conventional medicine, I also started practising imagery and meditation to focus on hope and healing. Instead of feeling anger, I redirected the positive energy towards healing. Support and prayers of family, co-workers and friends, for me, are important for healing.

More than 18 months had passed. It has been months of mixing together what's bitter and what's sweet. I used to tell others to live one day at a time; it now became such a reality for me. I always enjoyed being at home with my wife and sons, but now the time spent together is very special. We try to lead a normal life but interruptions happen whenever I have to stay in bed because of fever or have to go to the hospital for a procedure or tests.

For over 14 years I had worked as a psychotherapist. When I was preparing to go back to work, however, I did not feel I had the emotional energy to do this work full-time as I used to. I thought of changing jobs. What would I do instead? I still liked the idea of working with people. I felt the need of giving back to persons who went or are going through the same experience I went through. I decided to become a social worker with cancer patients undergoing radiation therapy.

So far this experience has been very rewarding. I am learning that if I get caught in the trap of feeling sorry for myself, all I have to do is look around and see the person who is worse than I am. I am amazed how widespread cancer is and how it hits so indiscriminately people of all ages and from all walks of life.

I emphasise hope. If hope ends, life ends. I want to look at the person who has just been diagnosed with cancer and tell them: "It's going to be okay". It's too bad that cancer is so often linked to death because there is so much that we can accomplish between the cancer diagnosis and the actual death! To most persons with cancer I say: "Remember the diagnosis and forget the prognosis".

I might be naive, but there are so many things that I am thankful for. I am thankful for the more than 50 years of life I have experienced. I am thankful for the tremendous number of people who want me to get better. Thankful to my brothers, sisters, and in-laws who call often and ask how I am doing. I am thankful for all the prayers and kind words of support.

I am thankful for my life with Vickie and my three sons. There would be little reason for me to look ahead had they not been around. Vickie has been like an angel to me, working and seeing that I'm alright. Together we have built a house, which we have turned into a home. These are some of the things that keep me going. When I feel down I allow myself sometimes to feel bad, but then I realise that there are other important things to do and I move on.

So, while cancer is a scary word, there are so many things we can learn from it. I want to give back and share what I have learnt. I have no control of how long I am going to live. That's not important. All I know is that days turn into years and every day is a new day.

When it is time to go, I want to be able to say: My life has been good. There are many more things that I am thankful for than things I regret. I sleep very peacefully at night as, holding Vickie's hand, I say to her "Thanks for the day." Then she replies: "Thanks for the day, I love you". Then peace follows and I wait for another day.