Old Bores' Almanack

Sylvanus issues his year planner for 2003

Another year, another squint into the near and distant future by Malta's soothsayer to the stars, Sylvanus. And believe me, nobody says as many sooths as I do.

So without further ado, here they are, all the major happenings in our islands over the next momentous 12 months. And remember... You saw it here first:

January

In the run-up to the referendum on Malta's membership of the EU, the latest polls show 40% of the population in favour, 40% against and 20% don't knows.

Pro-Europe lobby express quiet satisfaction. CNI express quiet optimism. Don't know lobby express quiet uncertainty.

A Swiss Alpine guide and two sherpas become the first people to ascend the north face of Mount Maghtab... without oxygen.

Sensation: Fr Victor Shields elected president of Malta Gay Rights Movement.

Graffiti mount another sit-down protest, but refuse to say why.

February

Another boatload of illegal immigrants lands at Birzebbuga. The office of statistics announces that illegal immigrants now outnumber the indigenous population of the Maltese Islands.

Conjugal visits begin at Corradino Correctional Centre. Maltese prisoners to receive four visits per month. Arab prisoners to receive 24 visits per month. Maltese prisoners lobby for legalisation of polygamy.

Low-floor buses not popular with bus drivers. Quote: "It's taken all the fun out of it. These days, when we brake suddenly, the passengers don't have nearly so far to fall".

I.M. Beck writes something nice about Alfred Sant... Now that is news!

March

Another mega-scandal hits the judiciary. Judge Emilio Caruana Bustamente is forced to resign and placed under house arrest, when it is revealed that he has completed all the cases assigned to him within the prescribed period.

Dom Mintoff and Karmenu Mifsud Bonnici announce the formation of the Erection Party. In a statement Mintoff says: "It's time this country started pointing in a different direction".

In the latest poll on the referendum on Malta's proposed entry into the EU, the Yes and No camps are still neck-and-neck with 39.5% each. The don't knows recover to register 21% of the vote.

Pro-Euro lobby say they are sure of victory. The CNI say they are sure of victory. The don't knows aren't even sure they know what day it is.

Graffiti mount another sit-down protest to object to the fact that nobody took any notice of their last sit-down protest.

April

After much lobbying and airing of unwatchable TV slots, the referendum to endorse or otherwise Malta's accession to the European Union is finally held.

When the result is announced... total chaos reigns! The outcome is a victory for the don't knows.

Alfred Sant walks off the set of a PBS discussion programme, because the chair he's given was once sat in by Lou Bondì.

MLP manifesto promises withdrawal from EU and compulsory yodelling lessons in all schools.

The PN electoral manifesto contains new and sweeping reforms of the welfare act, to include free geriatric care for all retiring prime ministers.

May

The EU Commission announces that, on accession, a Maltese will be allocated the post of Commissioner for Bribery and Corruption. A government source responds: "What excellent news! That's something we're particularly good at".

Mintoff and KMB announce major Viagra sponsorship for their Erection Party.

In the Eurovision Song Contest Lawrence Gray (well, it's his turn) wins for Malta.

Scenes of mass hysteria at MIA as Gray is mobbed by 7,000 Cettas from Bormla. The Prime Minister states: "This is almost as good as entering the EU".

Johnny Dalli throws himself off Dingli Cliffs.

Edward Spiteri claims to have cured more people than St Luke's Hospital. A spokesman for the Ministry of Health replies: "So what? Even Dr Mengele cured more people than St Luke's!"

June

General Election held.

And... in an amazing turn up for the book, it's won by Mintoff's Erection Party.

The new PM appoints Pawlu Muscat, ex-mayor of Bormla, as Minister of Finance (he's good with figures), Edward Spiteri as Minister of Health and KMB as Dom's personal driver.

In his final act as prime minister, Eddie Fenech Adami inaugurates yet another private retirement home, Casa Rigormortis, then stays behind to sign on as its first resident.

Alfred Sant retires to his grace-and-favour residence in Fawwara, to write his memoirs. To be entitled: On a wig and a prayer... and a travel book, The Switzerland I never got to know (written in French, naturally).

In the General Election, Alternattiva Demokratika come fourth. A spokesman says: "This is a great triumph! And next time we expect to get our total vote into double figures".

July

In one of his first acts after gaining power, Mintoff sells Fort St Angelo to Libya, gets in the North Koreans to run MIA and nationalises every supermarket.

MPs win the right to jump the queue for the Gozo ferry. Other passengers win the right to then throw these MPs overboard.

Another 10 English language schools open in Malta. The teenage pregnancy rate goes through the roof.

Graffiti mount yet another sit-down protest against continually being ignored by the authorities. A spokesman said: "We won't stand for it!"

August

In one fell swoop, Mintoff bans all broadcasting media (apart from PBS), tertiary education, mobile phones, colour TV, satellite dishes, DVDs, all political parties except his, foreign travel, the Internet, milk chocolate-flavoured toothpaste, Joe Grima, religion, pedigree dogs, free choice, the colour blue and the importation of hair-pieces.

The Malta Film Commission announces that yet another trillion dollar blockbuster movie epic is certain to be shot in Malta... perhaps.

A spokesman for the Curia denies that 'gays' are marginalised by the Church. He states: "Absolutely not! We are all God's children... even gays. It's the sodomites we can't abide."

Summer tourist season hits peak! Major roadworks projects begin throughout the island.

September

Sport: In his most defensive formation yet, the Malta national football coach fields a team containing eight central defenders and three goalkeepers.

Malta lose 14-0 to Liechtenstein ladies... reserves. The Malta coach states: "We were unlucky with 11 of the goals and I thought at least one of the others was offside."

A seven-year-old limbless mute sings, dances and plays the accordion LIVE on Tista' Tkun Int! after a four-minute on-screen audience with 'Father' Edward Spiteri.

The Hunters, Trappers and 'Conservationists' gain further concessions from the EU. In Malta it will now be permissible to shoot anything with feathers... from chickens to night-club strippers. A spokesman for the hunters states: "I'm disappointed, we were hoping for more."

Pope to visit Malta for canonisation of Smash TV.

October

In his latest meeting with Romano Prodi, Mintoff states that in return for Malta joining the EU, he demands half of the entire EU budget... the transfer of the Council of Europe HQ to Valletta... the expulsion of Britain from the EU and the removal of VAT on large buckled belts and chandeliers.

Eminent judge denies any involvement with the Freemasons. The fact that he was observed striding through the law-courts with his right breast exposed and one trouser leg rolled up was because "I was feeling rather warm."

Somali buys Paceville nightclub. Denies that all whites are banned from entering.

Graffiti stage - yes - another sit-down protest to object to the fact that they are forced to embark on sit-down protests.

November

During an interview on a children's TV programme, Mintoff assaults one of the puppets. He claims he thought it was a heckler, and didn't realise it was part of the show.

Major timber shortage on Maltese Islands averted by requisitioning the entire cast of Ipokriti.

Another tower building to be constructed. Architect states: "This will be the tallest man-made structure in Malta... apart from Mount Maghtab of course."

December

In the final negotiations with Romano Prodi, Mintoff ups his demands to 90 per cent of the total EU budget ... the relocation of the EU from Brussels to Portomaso... The acceptance that Malta not only be neutral, but more neutral than anybody else... The ceding of Sicily to Malta and the removal of VAT on shiny leather jackets. Prodi agrees... unconditionally.

Sport: Amid unprecedented scenes of mass euphoria, Malta's footballers manage a creditable 1-1 draw with San Marino under-16s... Nobody mentions the fact that Malta fields a side containing seven Nigerians, two Bulgarians, a Croat and a Serb.

Graffiti announce an end to all their sit-down protests. They blame this on authority's indifference and an epidemic of haemorrhoids.

May 1, 2004

Malta joins the EU.

May 2, 2004

EU declared bankrupt.

And a happy referendum to you all.