"Ho! Ho! Ho!... Merry Christmas everybody... Merry Christmas... Oh hullo, little girl."

"Yeah."

"Come on... hop up onto dear old Santa's lap."

"What!? No way! I read the papers too, you know."

"Erm... right. Would you like to come a little closer to jolly, fat Santa?"

"Absolutely not! I'm staying out of groping range."

"Sure... fine... Then um would you like to whisper in Santa's ear... Tell him what you'd like me to bring you for Krissie?"

"No chance! I'll tell you from here... And why whisper anyway?"

"Why indeed? OK, you bellow what you'd like for Christmas... I'll make a note of it, then you can get the hell out of my grotto... and make way for some more accommodating... I mean, more innocent, kiddie."

"Right then... got a pen and paper?"'

"Er no um... Look, just spit it out, will you?... I'll remember them... I've got an amazing memory."

"Oh really! You could have fooled me. Last year I asked you for a 'My Little Pony abattoir kit'.... and what did you turn up with? Another naff outfit for a Barbie doll I grew out of just after my seventh birthday. I'm not taking any chances this year, mate. Go and get some writing materials."

"No need... Look, I'll scribble them on the back of this cigarette packet."

"Yeugh! I didn't realise Santa indulged in the filthy and anti-social habit."

"No... no I don't... I'm, er, just minding them for a friend... one of my elves, actually."

"Right... here goes, then. For starters... I'd like you to bring me a copy of the Kama Sutra."

"Bloody hell! I mean... er, well it just so happens, little girl... I'm fresh out of Kama Sutras... How about the latest Harry Potter?"

"Oh pleeeease!"

"Anyway... what on earth would a sweet young child like you want with the Kama Sutra?"

"Same as a dirty old man like you would want with it, stupid! OK, forget the book.. I'll order it online... Right, I also need a little Miss Sunshine anti-molestation pack."

"A what???"

"You heard... Oh yeah, and it must come complete with Mace spray, stun gun and ballbreaker toecaps."

"Good God! This is surreal... why, for goodness' sake?"

"Because... idiot features... a nine-year-old can't be too careful these days. Especially with dirty old men like you around."

"I think I'm getting too young for this job... Yeah, alright, I'll see what I can do, OK?"

"No, it's not OK. After last year's letdown... I've brought along a contract, my lawyer and two witnesses... sign there... and there. Ta very much, Mr Claus, nice doing business with you, good day."

"Bloody stroll on!... Next!"

" 'Ullo, Santa."

"Ah, a dear little boy, thank God for that... Ho! Ho! Ho!... Sanity at last... And what's your name, sonny?"

"Cut the crap, wrinkly, and cut to the chase, OK!"

"Not another one! Uuuuugh! Yes, right, fine... hop up onto dear old Santa's knee, and whisper into his whisky... I mean whiskery earhole, just what you'd like me to bring you for Krissie?"

"No sweat, squire... Right now what I want for Christmas is... Atomic Kitten, the girlie group, right?"

"Er...."

"All of them! And the real McCoy! No naff bloody tribute band, OK?"

"Gulp!"

"Of course you may have some difficulty getting them down our chimney... especially since we don't have a chimney. Not to worry, just land your sleigh on our roof, I'll leave the laundry room door open, so you can pop them downstairs and into my bedroom. It's the one with the high voltage door handle and the Rottweiler under the bed. Oh, by the way, don't let on to my parents what I've demanded... they think I'm asking you for a bloody Gameboy. Oh yeah, and if you do say anything... Terminator, my Rottweiler, is rather unforgiving in these matters."

"Right! So, since I can't bear the sight of blood, especially my own. Atomic Kitten it is... you have my word."

"Then again, you may have problems getting all of them into my stocking... but rest assured old man, I'll have no trouble getting into theirs. See you Christmas Eve then, ciao."

"Ciao!.... Phew! You know it's times like these that I realise what a worthwhile job this really is. To see the sparkle of wonder on those little kiddies' faces... to marvel at the innocence of their sunny smiles...The complete trust they have in dear old Santa to fulfil their dreams. Oh yes, Christmas is truly a magical time of year... Merry Christmas, suckers!"