"Now, gentlemen, please remember we must come to a final decision on this golf course issue today."
"What about the farmers?"
"Who said that!?... Come on, own up, who's the culprit?... Nobody?... I see. Well, whoever it was, allow me to inform you that the farmers' case will receive top priority. The environment assessment that's taken two years to compile will be studied in minute detail and - "
" - Then ignored."
"Exactly. Right, let's press on... and please remember we haven't actually agreed to this... proposed, note the word proposed... golf course. So let's not get ahead of ourselves, shall we. And may I say at this juncture that I, as chairman, do most strongly object to suggestions in the media that we are indeed biased strongly in favour of this course."
"Absolute rubbish!"
"Hear! Hear!"
"I endorse that!"
"What about the farmers?"
"Thank y- what? Who was it? It came from over here, on my left. It was you, Michael!"
"No way."
"Er, Mr Chairman, to, um, get back to these plans... may I say something?"
"Please."
"I've been over them many times... with a toothcomb."
"Bravo!"
"Thank you... I like to think I take my responsibilities seriously and... well, I have deep misgivings."
"Oh! What... deep misgivings?"
"Look here, the proposed fourteenth hole."
"Go on."
"No way is this a par four. That left-handed dogleg makes it virtually impossible to get on the green in two... unless you're Tiger Woods, and even he - "
"I disagree. If you take a three wood to the angle of the dogleg, and a five iron from there - "
"Four."
"What?"
"You'd need a four iron, no way would you reach the green with a five."
"I beg to differ - "
"Gentlemen! Gentlemen! The golf course isn't even built yet. Don't you think you're being just a wee bit previous?"
"Definitely a four iron."
"Please! Let's remember what we're here for. To say yea or nay to the whole shebang. Yes, Geoffrey?"
"Mr Chairman, I have a point to make."
"Please... regale us with it."
"Sorry but... that little exchange we just heard, trivialises the issue. This is a major decision we have to take here, and petty polemics over a hole that doesn't and may never exist are inconsequential in the extreme. The point I wish to make is fundamental."
"Well get on with it, old chap."
"Quite frankly I'm not happy........"
Consternation sweeps through the assemblage.
"...Not at all happy... about the siting of the bunkers. Practically all of them are set to penalise a good approach shot. Overhit a little and you're in the sand behind the green. Underhit and you roll back into the bunkers along the front."
"I entirely agree, and while we're at it, the fairways are far too narrow - "
" The water hazard at the seventh is too wide"
" - A slight shank on your second shot at the sixteenth and you're into all those prickly pears"
" - The bar at the nineteenth is too far from the showers - "
" - And only nine showers! There'll be queues"
" - What about the farmers?"
Silence.
"It was you, Reuben! Own up!"
"Me?"
"Yes, I'm sure it was you."
General agreement on this point.
"Alright, alright... it was me. So, answer my question... What about the farmers who will lose their land? What about the environmental damage to an, as yet, unspoilt rural area? What about the further erosion of our pastoral heritage?"
"Er, Mr Chairman, before you answer that, I think I know the reason for Reuben's uncharacteristic insubordination."
"Do enlighten us."
"Reuben.... come on, own up. The reason you're being so bloody... bloody, has got nothing whatever to do with the lot of the farmers, right?"
"I - "
"Nothing whatsoever! But everything to do with the fact that I have been promised the captaincy over your head... as you see it, if the application succeeds."
"It's a disgrace! I'm a far better golfer."
"That's a matter of opinion."
"I'll vote against."
"Then you'll be voted off."
"What about the farmers?"
"That wasn't me."
"No, it was me....I am a bloody farmer."
"Oh thank God! I thought it was another disgruntled golfer... Throw him out please somebody. All those in favour say fore!"
"Fore!!"