The straight and narrow

"Mummy, why isn't Uncle Dennis married?"

"Uncle Dennis? Uncle Dennis, um... hasn't found the right girl... yet."

"Why?"

"Because, Alegzaaander... he hasn't, alright!"

"No it isn't alright... All my other uncles are married."

"Yes well, they were lucky... They did... find the right girl."

"Hmm... I don't think Uncle Robert would exactly call Aunty Marisa... the right girl."

"Why not?"

"She dumped him."

"Who told you - ? Yes well, things didn't quite work out for Uncle Robert and that slu-... Aunty Marisa."

"It still doesn't answer my question..."

"Your question?"

"Why isn't Uncle Dennis married... yet?"

"I just told you why. Anyway there's plenty of time for Uncle Dennis, he's still young...ish."

"He's 57 years old. If he was going to get hitched, he'd have done so by now. I worked it out, Mummy... If he got married today, right... and he wanted to make babies and stuff, he'd have to spend the equivalent of the combined GDP of Botswana and Lesotho on Viagra to stand even a sporting chance of fatherhood."

"Uncle Dennis is rather... shy."

"He wasn't so bloody shy when he asked me if I'd fancy taking a shower with him."

"Um, yes well, that was nothing - just nothing. Forget all about it."

"You didn't say that when you heard him propositioning me."

"He didn't proposition anybody!"

"Oh really! 'Gerremoff and pop in here for a game of hunt-the-soap' wasn't an invitation to play showerproof Monopoly, I can assure you."

"That - is - enough! And anyway, there's no room in our shower for two people."

"That's not what Uncle Dennis said... He reckoned we'd fit a treat. Scared the pants off me... Not literally, thank God."

"Eeee...nough!"

"And what about all those Sea Scouts and sailors he used to -"

"Alegzaaaaaaander! I will not hear you speak of your uncle like that. Uncle Dennis has always been kind to Sea Scouts and sailors... In fact, he's had a very long association with the navy."

"That's one way of putting it."

"He used to be attached to them."

"In more ways than one."

"And there's many a grateful young seafarer whose been on the end of one of your uncle's handouts... And you may not know this but he was also very active in the RNVR."

"Randy Nubile Virginal Recruits?"

"You're quite wrong about Uncle Dennis, you know. He's had lots and lots of girlfriends."

"Oh yeah... By lots and lots, I take it you're referring to that one and only poxy old slapper from Birgu, who turned out to be a welder with an identity crisis."

"He... she was very fond of Uncle Dennis."

"Can we cut the crap on this one please, Mummy. Give it to me straight... which is more than Uncle Dennis could do... Is he or isn't he?"

"I don't know what you're talking about. It's way past your bedtime."

"I am not going up those stairs, until you've answered my question."

"It's a very silly question.... and not the sort of thing for little boys to worry about."

"Oh now there I do so disagree! You're alright... you're a woman, you've never been chased around the sauna with your virtue on the line."

"Not by Uncle Dennis, no... Anyway, you do so exaggerate, Alegzaaander."

"What about that time I caught him in flagrante with that limp-wristed hairdresser... with his shirt half-off and his trousers half-mast?"

"I told you at the time... He was practising for his initiation into the Freemasons."

"Oh come on! I didn't believe it then, and I certainly don't believe it now."

"Bedtime!"

"And why is, when all my other uncles are fighting over Playboy and Razzle, Uncle Dennis sits quietly in a corner ogling his Boyzone fanzine?"

"It's way past nine o'clock."

"Alright. alright... I'm going... but not before you answer just one question OK?"

"Er...?"

"OK?"

"Oh, very well."

"Right then... Mummy, why isn't Uncle Dennis married?"