Motherhood

It is taken for granted today that when one chooses a career, one is expected to have not just knowledge of the subject, but if possible, also experience. The more fit and qualified one proves oneself to be in the job, the better the remuneration both in money and job satisfaction - and the resulting measurable success.

Experience in a job does not come naturally. One spends years and years of schooling, and after branching out towards the required subject and specialisation, months if not years of probation are required to prove to be the right person in the right job. Only then can one expect to be able to move up the ladder towards becoming a really skilled person and for one`s job to be really worthwhile giving positive results. Anything short of this often results in failure and a sense of inadequacy with all negative repercussions on one`s self-esteem.

There was a time when acquiring the art of parenthood happened automatically within one`s own home, continuously watching one`s own parents doing the job over the years, sharing ideas, asking relevant questions with all the woman-to-woman and man-to-man talk which provided continuous everyday onsite training.

Before launching herself into motherhood, even at a very tender age, a mother not only was very knowledgeable in managing a home and handling and caring for a baby, but was also provided with on-site coaching and continuous support by the women around her throughout the years of child-rearing. The extended family within the home and surrounding neighbourhood was in itself an insurance for the new mother and her family.

This often resulted in self-confident mothers who were considered professionals, the `wise women` in their job who humbly stayed inconspicuous within the home providing all that it took to care and provide for all the members within the family. These mothers then handed down all the know-how acquired over numerous years spanning their childbearing years to the young and future mothers-to-be within their circle.

Alas, not so today. In spite of the standard of education we boast of today, with no mother watching as no siblings are around, and no real parenting skills started early within the school curriculum, launching oneself into motherhood or fatherhood in our society is subtly advertised as `no experience needed`.

It is wrongly taken for granted that if one wants to become a mother one is expected to be automatically equipped with at least the basics: how to choose the right father for your children, how to take care of yourself during pregnancy, how to use all the potential given by nature to give birth, how to breastfeed, how to soothe a crying baby, and between all this be able to go on with keeping house while caring for the additional visitors who come to see the baby - and the new house with its expected high standards throughout the first weeks.

After keeping fingers crossed that all this will somehow fall into place, often without adequate support because Nanna works and Daddy does not know enough, barely six weeks after the birth of her baby, the mother is expected, or even encouraged, to go back to her job and get on with it as if nothing has happened so that her standard of living and her country`s finances are enhanced.

No wonder the result is, to say the least, disastrous. Stress, stress and even more stress on the mother. Society is surely expecting too much of her. With no skills provided along the way to adulthood, no training acquired formally in any way, and not enough support as she goes along, a mother is often emotionally and psychologically shattered.

It takes a strong woman indeed to survive the situation. Is it so surprising why most mothers subconsciously find more satisfaction in their careers for which they have been trained and are instantly rewarded so much, rather than stay at home mothering their child?

The latter gives them much less job satisfaction because results cannot be appreciated instantly. Could this be one reason why many mothers today want only one child, if any? Could this be one reason which explains why postnatal depression is on the increase? Is this attitude healthy for our future families? How will it affect family life in the long term?

To add insult to injury, in the years when her child attends primary or even secondary school, a mother is encouraged to attend a six-session course of parenting skills, a brilliant course which provides parents with a lot of practical parenting know-how.

With all good intentions, such courses are being given too late. Parents often come out of the experience realising how much they don`t know, and how much they should have known years and years earlier.

Hardly a way to boost their morale and self-confidence as parents. Some parents need a lot of help to stop thinking that they have made a complete mess and regain their confidence to start a different way of parenting than they were used to. The change, though possible, is, to say the least, very difficult and needs loads of support along the way.

With the lack of formal parent education and support on a national basis within our system, no wonder many mothers make it a point to keep their job, not only for financial reasons which undoubtedly jeopardise their decision to work or not to work outside the home, but definitely to get the job satisfaction they continually miss out on while they are at home rearing their children.

It is interesting to know that abroad it is being questioned how rewarding it is in the long run, financially or otherwise, for a country to encourage young mothers to go back to work soon after childbirth. Providing child care centres for mothers who choose to return to their workplace only a few days or weeks after the birth goes in line with just one possibility of supporting today`s mothers.

Encouraging and providing for her to stay at home looking after her children for their first important years and supporting her along the way is yet another way of solving today`s problems. We may be surprised to find that the latter may prove to be more worthwhile after all. Perhaps the old idea of `full-time mothering`, at least for a number of years, will find its way back into our society even in the new century.

It is time parenthood in Malta starts being recognised as the most important career it truly is, if we are to retain the positive standards of family life we have grown to love and do not wish to lose. Like all other careers, it needs the best education the country can provide and it is, indeed, very wise to invest heavily in it. We must stop using our energy and resources only to solve problems but we must start thinking of preventing them in the first place. This can only be done by providing a high standard of parent education and supporting it well.

The word education literally means bringing out what is within. Our innate instincts should be nurtured from the very start towards responsibility and self-confidence in the parenting job chosen by the vast majority.

No language or math or any other academic subject for that matter, will ever make a successful citizen if he lacks what it takes to become a successful parent. After all, no other career is so widespread as parenthood. It is most sad that, as things stand, it is the least catered for. We only need to look around us to start noticing the negative effect... and things can only get worse if we don`t do something about it... soon.

Marianne Theuma is an International Certified Childbirth Educator (ICCE) (US) and director of `In the Family Way` School of Pregnancy, Childbirth and Beyond.